I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.
I wish I could describe the moment I knew to you.
From my love of reading coming of age novels, most often in those plots there is moment when the main character has her or his realization. Their parent has a health scare; they get fired from their job; they discover they’re adopted; they discover they have magic and descend from a prestigious wizarding family.
There wasn’t a realization at the traffic light during my commute or the feeling of life-changing awareness spark within me from reading an article.
In fact, there wasn’t a moment at all.
Like watching grass grow or looking for the telltale sign of aging when your hair turns gray, a monumental change in my life was taking root in my soul. Slowly …
A few unproductive days here and there turned into weeks. Unexplainable dread would seep into my bones when I had to accept that my evening was over, and that I would wake to the start of a new weekday. Lack of passion and motivation ebbed and flowed uncontrollably in my life.
What a first-world problem, I would think and berate myself for feeling unfulfilled when I was so blessed. I had the greatest life anyone could wish for: a loving and supportive spouse, a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back, a loving family, employment that offered a comfortable life, the most adorable puppy imaginable, and countless first-world securities that many desire to have.
I am so blessed. I am truly grateful and appreciative to the Lord for the numerous advantages I had and have received.
Yet, there was a yearning. A bit of emptiness somewhere I couldn’t put my finger on. It demanded to be acknowledged, then it prickled in my soul this way and then that way, until I had no choice but to hear it out. I had to recognize that God was calling me for something more.
Decoding that calling metamorphosed into a 15-month long journey of prayer, faith, aptitude tests, trust, career counseling, personal therapy, self-reflection, and waiting to try to surrender my desire for control to God.
I’ve learned immense lessons and insights about myself, my own happiness, and what it means to hand it all over to the Lord. In fact, I am still in this journey with God, and I always will be.
So no, there wasn’t a moment. The seas did not part before me to create a clear, straightforward path. And that’s okay, because I’ve realized that’s not in God’s plan for me right now. It is a test of faith and trust, of which I hope I am passing.
Because of this intimate and evolutionary stage of my life, I had taken a hiatus from most of my social media, blogging, and pattern writing. I apologize to you for the disappearance, but know that I am healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually than I’ve been in … well, possibly ever.
Although I would love to know the answers to my questions and to see the plan laid out before me so I can relax, that’s not what is truly best for me. That is not how I grow closer to my faith and walk alongside Jesus. This reality was something I had wrestled with for years, and some days I still do.
I am not perfect. I will make mistakes, and that is okay. I have a lot of growing left to do, and for that I am thankful.
So, the big questions you (probably) want to know:
1. Are you still going to be writing patterns? And blogging?
2. Will you return to your social media communities?
3. What are you doing with your career?
The answers as I know them to be so far:
1. Yes! Absolutely! Making, blogging, designing, and writing patterns fills my bucket and allows me to share the crafty goodness with everyone. I have quite a few patterns I’ve been playing with … I’m anxious to make them official soon!
2. Yes, but I might not post as often as usual. I love social media because it allows me to connect with your beautiful self. I am shifting my focus from having a “perfect” profile to connecting with the people. You’ll still see my projects, cute puppy, and pattern releases, but I am going to be keeping it real with everyone. It makes me happiest that way.
3. As badly as I wish I could tell you how I figured it out and jumped into my new career like a girl boss ninja, this girl boss still doesn’t know. I’m following Jesus and God’s plan for me right now. Every day I have to make the conscious decision to put my full faith into His hands. It is a journey, and although some days I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’m incredibly grateful to have this opportunity for growth.
Thank you for hanging in there with me through the blogging and designing hiatus. Thank you for reading this lengthy post. And thank you for giving me this platform and space to share it all with you.
I am not perfect, and I don’t want to try to be. Thank you for your kindness and for allowing me to “keep it real” as the kids say. I hope this helps give you some answers and gives you a place to breathe too. Whether it’s knitting, quilting, or life, we aren’t alone. Thank you for never letting me feel alone in it all.
This blog is my open diary to anyone and everyone about my life and my crafts. Life can be difficult, but it's always beautiful, and I want to share that love of life and making.